Monday, March 30, 2009

Let It Be

Late spring/early summer is a really hard time for me, because both my grandparents died a few years ago in the late spring/early summer.
The details of it, of course, are mundane. People die every day. She had cancer and he died of a broken heart. Just like a million other couples who have been married forever. It was the second marriage for both of them, and they were truely in love until the day she died.
I was heart-broken. However, I weas living with my mother at the time, and if I took it badly, Mom took it 1000 times worse. Of course, they were her parents, and she had many unresolved issues there. They died before she could address them, I think. So instead of properly dealing with my own crap, I simply tried as hard as I could to help her, and continue to keep a normal household going for the kid.
So about a year later I was driving home from taking the kid to see her dad. I was tired and stressed out, seeing the ex was always stressful. At about this point he was starting to see his current chicka, though I didn't know that then. I had sued him for child support, which was a huge act of courage for me, he had told me that he would disappear if I tried to get child support through the courts. Things were strained to a breaking point, though they wouldn't break for another year and a half.
I was in the car, driving my hour and a half drive back home, skipping tracks on my Beatles CD, when I hit the song Let It Be.
I had never really liked Let It Be. Kind of mawkish, and used as a Christian song, so I rarely listened to it. Occassionally I try to remember what I felt when I sat through the song that evening. I know I thought of my grandmother, who once had asked me to forgive my mother for her inattention while I was growing up, telling me, "Brady's always love their boys more, the girls just have to be stronger." I remembered my grandfather, the only man in my world who have unconditional love. I also remember stopping the car to cry for the first time since the funerals.
I still listen to the song sometimes, when I'm tired and upset and want to feel close to them. For whatever reason that song is the song that makes that happen. I don't know why my brain decided to associate my grandparents with one of the few Beatles song i didn't like, but there you go. It did.
This weekend, on the way home from picking up the kid from visiting her father, after almost hitting a vulture which was really bizarre, I popped in a Beatles CD and played Let It Be. After the song was over the kid told me, "Mommy, I like that song."
And for the first time I said, "I like it too."

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