Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Being single

I'm single. I think my mother has come to terms with the fact that I'm going to remain that way from now on. I'm happy being single, in fact happier than I ever was in a relationship.
Being single mean, to me at least, a certain level of freedom. I've said before and will again that the only person I'm accountable to is my kid. And while I understand that people are happy in relationships, I just don't get it.
I've had a series of bad relationships, and they have soured me to even having a guy around (I had a hard time when my brother moved in, because even though he was my brother he still did guy things, and it irritated me). In my mind having a guy around means answering to everything you do, hanging on his every word, mothering him, and in general putting yourself aside for him. It's demeaning, but I have never been an equal in a relationship, and so I have now decided to simply not engage in that cycle any more.
One of the really fantastic things about being single and living on your own, or with a young child in the house, is learning what you can do (more than you assume most of the time) and what you like. That last one was a big thing for me, once I moved into my house I found myself getting things or watching things that my ex would like. I've spent a year relearning what I like. Just me. Food, decorating, TV, all kinds of things. It's been fun. And I'm loath to give it up to share things with someone else. Especially since I haven't met a man who actually brings something into a relationship.
I realize there is a certain amount of broken going on there, but since I have never been in a balanced relationship I actually can't imagine what they might be like in any practical way. I have seen adults in them. My grandparents, and my friends, for instance. But that's it. Seen from the outside, my parents didn't even have a good marriage.
I imagine I will get past this problem. People keep telling me that I'll miss being in a relationship (one friend was quite blunt and told me I would miss sex. Umm, men up here are desparate. Sex isn't really a problem, if I wanted it I could have it). I think that I really don't want to part with my independence and that there will probably be no man good enough for me to compromise for, now that I've learned what it's like to not have to.
A number of factors contribute to my singleness, but really whatever they are they have given me a place where I am actually content. It's a good place, and it's a place that I really only want to share with my daughter at the moment, a place of strength in yourself, and how important that is if you're a woman. My daughter watched me build a house. She actually signed one of the studs before the place was drywalled. She's seen me build a career. She's seen me follow my bliss in many ways. She's learning that she can do anything (including her dream of being a "space girl"), and that is one hell of a lot more important than trying yet again to sustain a relationship with a man who isn't, you know, sane.
Better to be happy and alone, trust me girls. Trust me. It's actually a lot less stressful.


  1. As half of an equal relationship, i can tell you it's not what you have been doing in the past, but i definitely envy you some things. I wish I could do what I want, when i want, for as long as i want. i wish i didn't have to interact with and occasionally coddle another person when i feel like being alone. i wish i didn't have to take his opinion into account when i decorate and such.

    ah, gears of war 24/7 would be sweet.

  2. Heheh, I often say that I have become too selfish to be in a couple anymore, I don't want to spend the time dealing with anyone's emotional baggage unless it's my kid's. Plus, being the lone opinion in decorating is very cool.

  3. i almost became murderously single when my hubby stepped outside into the very humid spring morning, then turned to me and said, "no wonder your hair looks like that today!"

  4. Wow, that's just astounding. That you didn't kill him, that is.


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